Welcome to my compendium of jokes and other humorous items from online sources


In 1995 I kept coming across too many of these to keep them to myself. Maybe life since then hasn't been as funny (or I'm too busy) but since then far I've added only one joke. Still, these are classics. And check back soon -- I'll probably get re-inspired. (I owe it to my audience -- this remains the highest-traffic page at Kramer Communications.)

Please forward them freely (mention the original source, if included.). If these aren't enough or you, be sure to check out the other humor sites listed on Felix's Grand Links Page.

Table of contents/dates posted
  1. My Favorite Joke
  2. Exploding Heads
  3. Australian Humor about Technical Support
  4. Pentium Humor (12/21/94)
  5. Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
  6. Semiotica
  7. Twas the Night Before Implementation (1/15/95)
  8. Support Santa Cruz Style (1/15/95)
  9. Is This You? (1/15/95)
  10. Microsoft Trademarks the Name Bob (1/15/95)
  11. The Joke's on Ronald McDonald (1/22/95)
  12. Genesis (2/16/95)
  13. Proper Diskette and Care Usage (2/19/95)
  14. Paedophilia on the Internet, the real numbers (4/15/95)
  15. Doonesbury anecdote (4/15/95)
  16. The Frog Joke(5/31/95)
  17. Men Who Use Computers -- New Sex Symbols of the '90s (5/31/95)
  18. A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys (removed at author's request)
  19. TQM -- God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire (6/2/95)
  20. Managed Caring Friendship Plan(tm) (8/4/95)
  21. Virus Alert (3/17/96)


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*1. My Favorite Joke

Q: What did the Zen monk say to the hot dog vendor?

A: Can you make me one with everything?

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*2. Exploding Heads

                              \|/                                    \|/
ITEM_5.01 --- MISC. ALERTS:  --o-- EXPLODING HEADS FROM INTENSE USE --o--
                              /|\     (A public service warning)     /|\
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: WEEKLY WORLD NEWS, May 24, 1994 MOSCOW --

Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance in the brain for the bizarre death of a chess player whose head literally exploded in the middle of a championship game!

No one else was hurt in the fatal explosion but four players and three officials at the Moscow Candidate Masters Chess Championships were sprayed with blood and brain matter when Nikolai Titov's head suddenly blew apart.

Experts say he suffered from Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis or HCE.

"He was deep in concentration with his eyes focused on the board," says Titov's opponent, Vladimir Dobrynin. "All of a sudden his hands flew to his temples and he screamed in pain. Everyone looked up from their games, startled by the noise. Then, as if someone had put a bomb in his cranium, his head popped like a firecracker." Incredibly, Titiov's is not the first case in which a person's head has spontaneously exploded. Five people are known to have died of HCE in the last 25 years. The most recent death occurred just three years ago in 1991, when European psychic Barbara Nicole's skull burst. Miss Nicole's story was reported by newspapers worldwide, including WWN. "HCE is an extremely rare physical imbalance," said Dr. Anatoly Martinenko, famed neurologist and expert on the human brain who did the autopsy on the brilliant chess expert.

"It is a condition in which the circuits of the brain become overloaded by the body's own electricity. The explosions happen during periods of intense mental activity when lots of current is surging through the brain. Victims are highly intelligent people with great powers of concentration. Both Miss Nicole and Mr. Titov were intense people who tended to keep those cerebral circuits overloaded. In a way it could be said they were literally too smart for their own good." Although Dr. Martinenko says there are probably many undiagnosed cases, he hastens to add that very few people will die from HCE.

"Most people who have it will never know. At this point, medical science still doesn't know much about HCE. And since fatalities are so rare it will probably be years before research money becomes available." In the meantime, the doctor urges people to take it easy and not think too hard for long periods of time. "Take frequent relaxation breaks when you're doing things that take lots of mental focus," he recommends.

(Blame: VKRAS@aol.com -> fringeware@io.com -> SCRUTON@delphi.com)

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*3. Australian Humor about Technical Support

[ Article crossposted from nz.general,iconz.general,panix.general,nz.netstatus ]
[ Author was Jon Clarke ]
[ Posted on 24 Oct 1994 21:09:18 GMT ]

FOR YOUR INFORMATION
--------------------
Humour Mode ON

The Internet Company of New Zealand has several help lines located throughout New Zealand to support new and exisiting users on the Internet.

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive.
Imagine if they did ...

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!"
HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!"

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"

 _                                                                     _
( )o  "Internet users equal 3 times the POPULATION of New Zealand ?" o( )
/\ \ Public Access Internet , jonc@iconz.co.nz Auckland NZL / /\
"No SIX times the population and growing daily"

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*4. Pentium Humor

Q&A: THE PENTIUM FDIV BUG

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.

Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.

Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.

Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to:
1) Divide
2) ROUND
3) RANDOM
4) On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
- --------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside

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*5. Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

From: Newswire Mailing
To: IS Daily News Services for Executives Cc: Newswire Mailing
Subject: MICROSOFT: Bids to Acquire Catholic Church Date: Tuesday, November 29, 1994 7:16AM

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

By Hank Vorjes

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

KBviaNewsEDGE

Copyright (c) 1994 Knight-Ridder / Tribune Business News Received via NewsEDGE from Desktop Data, Inc.: 03/07/94 19:20

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*6. Semiotica

Subject: SEMIOTICA - is to reading the sign
Reply-To: far@medinah.atc.ucarb.com (Forrest Richey)
Date: Tue, 13 Dec 1994 14:12:25 -0500

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an "E" for Effort...or not.

In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The life is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order our summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs form Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

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*7. Twas the Night Before Implementation

stores@janus.arc.ab.ca wrote:
> Here's an anonymous poem that came from our sister co. in Calgary Alberta last year about this time. It took me a while to find it so I could share it with you all.

T'was the Night Before Implementation
=====================================

T'was the night before implementation and all through the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.
The programmers hung by their tubes in dispair,
With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer (with a six-pack of beer).
Her resume glowed with experience so rare,
She turned out great codes with a bit-pusher's flair.
More rapid than eagles, her programs they came,
And she cursed and she muttered and called them by name.
On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closings! On Functions Complete!
Her eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nites in front of a screen.
A wink of her eye and a twitch of her head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
Turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk.
And laying her finger upon the "ENTER" key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired, and closings completed.
She tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary a bomb, and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
The users' last changes were even included.
And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"


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*8. Support, Santa Cruz Style

Subject: Support, Santa Cruz Style or Where Do These People Come From?
by Jeff Liebermann (jeffl@comix.santa-cruz.ca.us)
07/09/94 (All these really happened to me since 1983.)

1. "My hard disk won't boot". I suggest they take the floppy out of drive
A:. Later when I arrive, they have successfully removed the floppy drive from the machine (with the floppy disk still inside).

2. "My dog goes nuts when I run Windows. No problem with any DOS programs".
Her monitor had a cracked flyback transformer. When the multisync monitor switched scan rates upon entering Windows, the high frequency audio produced by the broken flyback was heard by the dog.

3. "Michaelangelo virus ate my hard disk, but I have a tape backup. Can you help me restore the system".
No problem. When I arrive, I find the data on the tape was 18 months old and that she had never run a backup.
"I thought you just shoved in the tape and it sucked up the data".

4. "How do I get on the national data information super highway?"
I ask if he has accounts on any bbs's. He has Netcom, Compuserve, and others. I tell him he's already on the highway.
"Is that all there is?" I hangup.

5. "What's the fastest way to move 500MBytes of data daily from Santa Cruz to Los Angeles?".
Answer: FedEx.

6. How many RJ45 connector does it take to build 8ea 10baseT cables?
Answer: 45. I put the first 16 connectors on with one end backward. I then chopped off the good ends. Chopping off the other 8 connectors and effectively starting over consumed another 16 connectors. The 2nd try resulted in one end being mirror-imaged. Chopping of 8 more connectors I finally got them wired correctly. Then I tested them for continuity and found 5 bad crimps. Total=45.

7. "What kind of hard disk do you have?"
Well... It's black with a little red light ...
(groan).

8. Most common support call. "I lost my CMOS setup. How many heads, cylinders, and sectors does a _______ drive have?".

9. "I move the mouse in any direction and the cursor only moves an inch or so on the screen and stops".
Take the foam shipping ring out from around the mouse ball.

10. "My systems on fire. What do I do?".
Ummmmm. Turn it off?
"(Click)"

11. Most hated support call:
"I'm not sure if we need a computer system. Can you give me the relative advantages of Unix, DOS, Windows, Novell, MacIntosh, Sun, etc...?".

12. Favorite software support call:
"I just installed Word 6.0 for Windows. It's really big and slow. How much will it cost to upgrade my machine?"

13. "My floppy drive won't read disks".
I suggest they clean out the dust from the drive.
"I can't".
"Huh?"
"The dust won't move".
I find that they were using spray glue near the machine and that all the dust was glued in place.

14. How to impress a new customer: I walk into the computer room and knock the fire extinguisher off the wall which immediately sprays everything with dust.

15. "My printer stopped working".
Turn it upside down and shake out the staples and paper clips. Works every time.

16. "Can you teach me how to use a computer?".
I answer: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them.

17. The company motto: "If this stuff worked, you wouldn't need me".

18. From one of my smarter clients:
"Why is something broken every time you're here?"

19. "I'm trying to install a 2nd IDE drive."
"Support told me to take out ALL the jumpers".
"How many did you take out?"
"12".
(What they meant were the two easily accessible jumpers).

20. I call a manufacturer to order a manual on some junk I picked up surplus. The receptionist asks my name and company. She notes that I'm not in their database and could she have my address and phone numbers. No problem. I'm then transfered to the customer service department which notes that I'm not in the database and asks for the same information. The customer service person transfers me to the the parts department which notes that I'm not in the database etc... Since the manual will take a few days to arrive, I ask for tech support who notes that I'm not in the database etc... The manual arrived promptly followed by 4 identical envelopes of promotional literature with exactly the same name and address.

21. Question LEAST likely to be answered correctly by support:
"What is the current version of your software/hardware/firmware?"

22. Pacific Telephone Support Dept (Dial 611 for repair service), now asks you to punch in your phone number, and then warns you that you will be asked to verbally recite the same number when the service operator answers. I wonder what happens if they're different?

23. Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

24. Fax back information service for additional information from one vendor requesting just one item returns a copy of their catalog page plus 10 pages of promotional garbage.

25. Email autoreply from support@_______.com Thank you for your support request. (drivel deleted) Please refer to support request number: Error: cannot create /u/something/filename (4 lines of garbage deleted) in future correspondence. Your request will be processed in the order received. (more garbage with Out of space on hd(1,41) mixed in.)

26. Conversation with support at a certain controller manufacturer.
"I can't answer that, please call your dealer".
"I am the dealer."
"Then call your distributor"
"He said for me to call you"
"Then have the customer call us"
"AAAAAGH!"

27. Modems and payphones don't mix. I hotwired my laptop into the mouthpiece of a payphone and proceeded to do system maintenance on a customers machine. The sheriff arrived shortly and proceeded to interrogate me. Someone called complaining that I was using a computer to steal money from the payphone.

28. Having my system page me when it does an unscheduled reboot was a good idea. Having all my customers machines do the same was a mess after a power failure and 100+ pages.

29. "My hard disk has a virus!".
How can you tell, I ask?
"When I type DIR, it says VIRUS <DIR> and some date stuff".
(Hint: Never name the directory for virus scanning software VIRUS).

30. Some monitor manufacturers suggest using alchohol to clean the screen.
They forget to mention that the monitor should be off. (Boom).

31. I told a customer to take his machine to a gas station and have them blow the dust out. The gas station hands him a 150psi air nozzle that belches rusty water and oil. I got to clean up the mess for free. He also mangled the floppy heads with the high pressure.

32. Oxymoron candidate: Disk Protector. That's the cardboard disk they shove in the floppy drive for shipping. More drives have been mangled by shoving in the wrong shape, backwards, or bent than have ever been protected by them. Use a floppy disk instead.

33. What's the difference between a Van DeGraf static generator and a belt driven vacuum cleaner?
Answer: Not much. Don't use a vacuum to clean your computer.

34. After the cleaning service crashed the computer for the 4th time by plugging the floor sweeper into the UPS, I decided to take action. I suggested they install "child proof" plastic plugs in any outlets deemed worthy of protection. The order went though the chain of confusion, and I was soon blessed with 1000 child proof plugs hot stampled with "Protected". I gave instructions to install about 10 of them on the protected outlets. However, the maintenance person assigned to the task knew nothing and proceeded to plaster every outlet in the building with the plugs. Mutiny was averted by spending all night removing the monsters. Three years later, they are still appearing.

35. Hint: Do not allow long hair black cats to sleep atop laser printers and tape drives. The black hair is almost invisible in black pattens, gears, and rollers.

36. Forensic filth analysis is a new part of computer repair. I now carry a microscope and some chemicals which are used to determine the exact nature of the filth I remove from keyboards, mice, computers, light pens. While nobody pays me to do this, it definately adds to the entertainment value.

37. Why do customers think that I maintain a document and device driver library for every conceivable board ever made?

38. From a hard disk drive manufacturer:
"The drive stopped working. I poped the little plug and noticed it was awful dry inside. I added some oil but it didn't help".

39. Which arrow key? There are 17 arrows on the keyboard.

40. Favorite error message:
"Out of paper on drive D:" This was produced by a timeout error on a slow WORM drive and a defective AT/IO card.

41. At one time, I was into antique furniture. When I purchased my first computer (IBM 4.77 PC), I decided that it deserved a suitable antique table. I ask the local antique dealer: "Do you have an antique computer desk?". He looks at me with a strange look and says: "They didn't have computers when this stuff was made".

42. When 3.5" floppies first appeared, some users were confused with the operation of the write protect window. One user wanted to be doubly sure that the disk would be safe from his mistakes. He correctly opened the window and just to be sure, covered it with one of the magic write protect tabs from a 5.25" floppy.

43. Favorite Windoze game: "Guess what this icon does?"

44. A video store installed the computer on top of the cash drawer. Every time the cash drawer would open, the hard disk would get a good bouncing. I decided that this was technically disgusting, and moved the machine. The next morning, the drive wouldn't spin up (stiction). Solution: Put it back on top of the cash drawer and let it bounce.

45. The curse of the mad labeler. Some of the clone cards I see have stick on METALIZED labels that a quite good at shorting traces. I've fixed a few by just removing the stick-on short. A variation on this effect is the tendency for some distributors to put stick-on labels on TOP of their 486 chips. Then they smear on some silicon grease and bury the mess under a heat sink and fan. The air gap produced between the chip and heat sink severely degrade its cooling value.

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*9. Is This You?

No attribution on this; LarryJ wrote it or forwarded it.
From: Larry Jandro January 13, 1994
Subject: Is this you?

1 Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2 You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3 You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4 You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5 You disdain people who use low Baud rates.

6 When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7 You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8 You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9 You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10 You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11 You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12 Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13 You back up your data every day.

14 Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15 You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16 On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17 The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18 You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19 You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20 You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21 You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22 You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23 Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24 You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25 While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26 You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27 You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28 You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29 You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.

30 You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31 You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

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*10. Microsoft Trademarks the Name Bob

Microsoft trademarks the name Bob
(Source Anonymous)

REDMOND, Washington--January 4, 1995--In response to customer inquiries, Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob(tm), its new software product designed for computer beginners. Contrary to rumors, Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named "Bob" immediately select new first names.

"I don't know where these rumors come from," commented Steve Balmer, Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and Support. "It's ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people outside the computer industry to change their names. We won't, and our licensing policies for people within the industry will be so reasonable that the Justice Department could never question them."

Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a licensing option allowing them to continue using their former names at very low cost.

The new licensing program, called Microsoft TrueName(tm), offers persons who want to continue being known by the name Bob the option of doing so, with the payment of a small monthly licensing fee and upon signing a release form promising never to use OpenDoc. As an added bonus, Bob name licensees will also be authorized to display the Windows 95 logo on their bodies.

Persons choosing not to license the Bob name will be given a 60-day grace period during which they can select another related name. "We're being very lenient in our enforcement of the Bob trademark," said Bill Newkom, Microsoft's Senior Vice President of Law and Corporate Affairs.

"People are still free to call themselves Robert, Robby, or even Rob. Bobby however is derivative of Microsoft's trademark and obviously can't be allowed."

Microsoft also announced today that Bob(tm) Harbold, its Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer, has become the first Microsoft TrueName licensee and will have the Windows 95 logo tattooed to his forehead.

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*11. The Joke's on Ronald McDonald

MCDONALD'S GIVES IN TO THE LITTLE GUY

Call it a victory for the little guy against a hamburger giant--and the result, says Inside Media, is a New York high school gets high-speed Internet access.

Last October with the help of Wired magazine, Joshua Quittner, then a cyberspace columnist for New York Newsday, registered the name mcdonalds.com with the Internet Network Information Center, a Virginia agency that registers domain names on a first-come, first-served basis.

When the fast-food company demanded Quittner give back the name, he agreed--if McDonald's would first help a fund a high-speed Internet connecti on for a public school in Brooklyn's Bedford Stuyvesant area.

Now, reports Inside Media, after an unsuccessful attempt to sue Quittner and Wired, McDonald's has given in.

Ronald & Co. will contribute $3,500 to help the Brooklyn school get an Internet connection fast enough to run full-motion video.

"Everybody talks about the information highway and nobody really understands what it is," said Quittner. "But one of the problems that everyone has identified is the information haves and the information have-nots.

"In this case, both McDonald's and P.S. 302 were have-nots. Now they are information-haves."

Quittner is now a tech writer for Time Magazine.

Inside Media is published by Cowles Business Media, an affiliate of SIMBA Information, publisher of this newswire. =Cowles/SIMBA Media Daily 1/20/95= =Copyright 1995 SIMBA Information Inc. All rights reserved.=

Transmitted: 95-01-20 18:26:50 EST

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*12. Subject: Genesis

I'm sorry I don't have a source forthis one... if anyone hears of one, please let me know.

#In the beginning was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#You have not signed on yet.
:God.
#Enter user password.
:Omniscient.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Omnipotent.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Technocrat.

And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again!
:Create light.
#Done.
:Run heaven and earth.
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and
#Unrecognizable command! Try again!
:Create firmament.
#Done.
:Run firmament.
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in string specification! Try again.
:Create dryland.
#Done!
:Run dryland.
#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night.
#Unspecified type. Try again!
:Create sunmoonstars.
#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.

And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish.
#Done.
:Create fowl.
#Done.
:Run fish'nfowl.
#And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every
winged fowl after its kind. 0 errors.

And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle.
#Done.
:Create creepy things.
#Done.
:Now let us make man in our image.
#Unspecified type! Try again.
:Create man.
#Done.
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
earth.
#Too many command operands! Try again.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden.
#Error: File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Gard.En.
#Done.
:Move man to Gard.En.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man.
#Illegal parameters. Try again!
:Insert man into woman.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill.
#Done.
:Run freewill.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help!
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create Treeofknowledge.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good'nevil.
#Done.
:Activate evil.
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in Gard.En.
#1 errors.
:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again!
:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Search failed.
:Delete shame.
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
:Stop!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE SIGN OFF.
:Create new world.
#You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy old
files before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth.
#Destroy earth. Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed.
#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!

And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.
#And God saw that he had zero funds remaining.

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*13. Proper Diskette and Care Usage

Source: Keith.Meidling@p2.f1099.n261.z1.fidonet.orlg

(1) Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

(2) Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

(3) Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

(4) Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

(5) Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

(6) Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

(7) If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

(8) Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

(9) Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.....

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*14. Paedophilia on the Internet, the real numbers (4/15/95)

From: nwns@dxm.ernet.in (The netWalker News Service)
Subject: Survey: Paedophilia on the Internet, the real numbers

April 10 (nWNS): The netWalker News Service recently completed an extensive survey of the over 20 million users of the Internet, and have found that 88.5% express paedophilic tendencies. A previous survey, conducted 5 years ago, showed that only 40% of Internet users expressed interest in child pornography, while the latest figure is 93%. This dangerous trend coincides with the increasing popularity of the Internet and on-line services, especially the increased coverage in the popular media.

Additionally, 60.4% of the users have access to nuclear, chemical or biological weaponry, and are extremely likely given their anarchist beliefs to resort to terrorism. In the 1990 survey, the corresponding figure was 23%.

The nWNS is of the opinion that the solution to these alarming developments is to legislate a complete ban on media coverage of the Internet, augmented with amendments to the International Treaty on the Rights of the Child, following the recently passed ban on terrorists and paedophiles themselves.

nWNS bulletin #95Q20341
All nWNS Internet user statistics have a margin of error of 3%

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*15. Doonesbury anecdote (4/15/95)

Doonesbury gave an e-mail address you could send a note to if you're a member of the digital elite. The message back said "If you had time to respond to this you're not a member of the digital elite."

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*16. The Frog Joke

A computer guy is walking down the street when he sees a frog.

The frog looks up to him and says, "Hey, listen! If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll marry you." The computer guy picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket, and walks on down the street.

A little later the frog calls out from his pocket and says, "Hello? If you kiss me then I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll marry you!"

The computer guy takes the frog out of his pocket and says to it, "Look, I'm a computer guy. I don't have time for human relationships. But it's really cool to have a talking frog."

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*17. Men Who Use Computers Are the New Sex Symbols of the '90s

by Scott Adams

I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip "Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths, stalkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person.

But a growing number are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. Some say they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier. If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who spends most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not exactly Kevin Costner.

Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And he stays home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction? I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who have the best ability to survive and thrive.

In the old days it was important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead. But that skill is becoming less important every year. Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.

It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each with its own evolutionary destiny: Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech support). Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct. Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at tourists.

Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential. And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time without saying anything.

Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeated stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years. Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.

It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I realize this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive thing I've written so far.

If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair. They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking.

If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong circumstantial evidence alone. I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem. That's O.K. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question: everybody but the tourists.)

Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according to the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

You could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but it's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.

You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going to look at them twice.

It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her.

And if you think that's stupid, I've got 100 words to go. Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor. If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear. In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive. It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.

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*19. TQM -- God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

Source:
          brought to you by: Your Mom - founder of the internet
http://www.arlington.com/~reficul/         Member of PIGDOG Tactical Squadron 
 pig-box reficul@arlington.com     !/^\!      Star Student of Dr. Murdock 
   alt m-box manny@bamf.org       /__@__\          Smoker of Blunts
                              !___|_|_|_|___!      
                        BEWARE! The internet is BAD 


God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

__ Newspaper __ Other Book __ Television __ Divine Inspiration __ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience __ Torah __ Friend or Relative __ Bible __ Other __ Koran (specify): _____________

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot __ Lottery __ Horoscope __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Self-help books __ Sex __ Biorythms __ Alcohol or drugs __ Mantras __ Other: _____________________ __ Insurance policies __ None

3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): _________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________

Thank you!

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*20. Managed Caring Friendship Plan(tm)

Source: unknown, from the Internet

Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of a "traditional" friendship network with important cost-saving features.

HOW DOES IT WORK?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers. All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FRIENDS?
If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship Services from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based on where you've lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly duplication, inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or experimental behavior. Under Managed Caring(tm), your friendship needs are coordinated by a designated Best Friend, who Cares(tm) about the quality of all your Friendships.

HOW DO I KNOW THESE AREN'T JUST A BUNCH OF LOSERS WHO CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS ON THEIR OWN?
Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring(tm) in a cost-effective way. They have joined our network because they want to focus on Caring(tm) for you rather than devoting their resources to the paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of loyalty.

WHAT IF I NEED A SPECIAL FRIEND, SAY FOR POKER OR FISHING?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of knowing you for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to refer you to a Special Friend within the Managed Caring(tm) network should your needs fall outside the scope of his or her excellent training.

SUPPOSE I WANT TO SEE FRIENDS OUTSIDE THE MANAGED CARING(tm) NETWORK?
CAN MY BEST FRIEND EVER REFER ME TO THEM?
No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

WHAT'S THAT?
The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend out of town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is Caring(tm) for someone else. You may be on a business trip and find yourself lonely. In such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all appropriate Friendship Procedures delivered in this Emergency Friendship will be covered under the plan, provided you notify us within two business days.

WHAT FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES ARE COVERED UNDER THE PLAN?
Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to): Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out, checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying, moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your back.

ARE ANY FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES NOT COVERED UNDER THE PLAN?
Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess of $5, going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex.

HOW CAN I FIND OUT IF THE FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURE I NEED IS COVERED?
If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your Managed Caring(tm) ID card to arrange for precertification of the proposed Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for coverage within 24 business hours.

BUT WHO DECIDES WHAT'S APPROPRIATE FOR ME?
We do. Isn't that what Friends are for?

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*21. Virus Alert

Source: unknown, from the Internet

ATTENTION

The following is a list of new computer viruses that are lurking.

BE ALERT!!

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack --- once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is . If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears. It'll be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCS infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't!" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

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WA Back to Kramer Communications home page
This page (http://www.nlightning.com/jokes.html) was last updated 17 March 1996 except for a short note in 2003